STRONG…a word that I never really used to describe myself. Not because I felt that I was weak physically, emotionally, spiritually, or in any other way, but because when I think about all the words that might describe me, it’s just not one that has really ever crossed my mind. I’ve always thought of myself as friendly, nice to people, a good listener, competitive, but not aggressive, and very non-confrontational…all qualities I’ve been fine with, and for the most part consider strengths of mine, but never have I considered myself STRONG, or really looked very hard at that side of myself. Sure, I’ve been through some things in my life that others around me haven’t, and I know that those things have made me a stronger human being, but I don’t know…I guess I’ve just never really thought of myself as strong.
When I think of the word STRONG, and maybe you can relate, images of weight lifters, missionaries, and martyrs pop into my head…daunting images because those are all people I feel like I could never measure up to…but that right there is where I’m realizing I’ve gotten it all wrong. Being strong is not about being as strong or stronger than the people around you, it’s just about being as strong as YOU can be. The amazing thing is that God sees my strength, and knows how strong I am, and what all I can accomplish through Him, and when I fall or fail because I’m human, He has the strength that I don’t.
I started working out with a personal trainer about 5 weeks ago, and its been amazing for me because I feel like I am truly getting stronger for the first time in a long while. Working out is not one of my strengths in life and never really has been…but I wanted to change that, mostly because I wanted to be stronger, physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I wanted to see how strong I could become, and what God is showing me is that my strength has been there all along.
You see, this past year has been one of the hardest for my husband and I. It’s been a year where I have felt very weak at times, and yet through it all I have felt my faith growing like wildfire. We’ve been trying to have a baby for over a year now…something I had no idea would take as long as it has. Feelings of insecurity, anger, jealousy, heartache, confusion, and frustration have all flooded my mind and my husbands through this whole experience. I’ve wondered “Why?” about a million times, and had to battle through the insensitivity of others, as well as seeing countless women get pregnant in the meantime, some not even on purpose. And while I know it’s selfish, and I do fight against it, I struggle to be happy for them, and I struggle to be happy for my friends and family who have children, and know nothing about what this feels like. I’ve just struggled.
God has shown himself time and time again during our entire journey. He has prophesied over us several times over the past year, assuring us that we will indeed have a baby, and every time I am brought to tears because He doesn’t have to keep reminding us, but HE DOES.
Through it all, I’ve only let myself get emotional and really break down and cry about it a few times, I put on a brave and happy face to not let my friends and family feel like I am not happy for them…and for the most part, I really am truly happy for them in my heart, but I am also battling the enemy’s voice, and my flesh all the time. I constantly have to remind the enemy’s voice in my head that He’s a liar, and my God is good, and that this is just our current battle, THAT WE WILL WIN.
God has gone above and beyond in this past year to remind me that I am not alone in my struggle, and that He will do what He has said He will do.
EVERYONE faces hardship. That’s just the way it is. Just because others aren’t facing what I am, doesn’t mean they aren’t facing other struggles. Why God chose this particular battle for us, I may never understand, but I do know that He is allowing the battle because He knows that I am STRONG, and will only get STRONGER. He knows that when I lose strength, He never will. He knows how the story ends, and He continuously reminds me. Because HE IS JUST THAT GOOD.
I’m starting off the New Year learning that God says I am STRONG…I guess this might be my “word for the year” or whatever you’d like to call it. Physically I am overcoming battles, but that’s not where it ends…God is showing me that I am more strong than I thought I was physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. He is showing me that the enemy is afraid of me because He knows I have God on my side, and He is showing me that I can take on ANYTHING that might come my way.
And I’m finally starting to truly believe it.